Dear Jack,

For almost two years now my body has kept you going. From the time you were just a few cells right on into toddler-hood, you have been a little leach living on me, and I say that in an enduring way. Let me tell you kid, pregnancy was hard. Some people love it and I am not one of those people. But the moment I saw you, you were worth it.

Then came the breast feeding, which has had it's up's and down's. Honestly, I was more worried about the breast feeding then I was about giving birth. I knew that I was leaving with a baby, one way or the other. I didn't know how exactly I was going to feed that baby.

One thing that you will come to know about me as you get older, is that I'm stubborn. I'm sure that will frustrate you at time, as it does me too, but that stubbornness got us through the rough patches of breast feeding. First there was the pain. "They" say that is only lasts a few days. Well, "they" were wrong. For me it lasted at least 6 weeks. Every time you would latch on I would hold my breath and cringe. I'm sure some of that had to do with the fact that you were slightly tongue tied and therefore I was bleeding, but still, it hurt.

Next came the phase where you had some strange issue. You would eat for a minute, then scream bloody murder. It lasted a good 3 months and was so upsetting to both of us. I just wanted to be able to feed my hungry baby and you my little love, just wanted to eat. To this day I still don't know what the heck was going on but eventually you outgrew it.

Then all hell broke loose and you stared having seizures and were put on steroids. At that point you started nursing every 2 hours around the clock. It was worse than having a newborn. When you have a newborn you expect that to last 2-4 weeks. It's brutal and painful but you spend the majority of the time snuggled in bed with a brand new little human to love and stare at. Those 2.5 months were filled with terror and worry and were some of my hardest times as a parent so far. The lack of sleep only magnified those feelings but through it all the two of us had that time together and when I was nursing you, everything was okay.

After you were off the steroids came the task of my body having to adjust to less of a demand for milk. Over the next few months I had 2 rounds of mastitis and over 15 clogged ducts. I also pumped enough milk to donate over 300 oz to the milk bank for other babies. I became a pro at unclogging the pipes. During this phase I considered cutting you off. I was always in pain, always attached to a pump, and just worn down by everything. But it was flu season and you had been through enough already in your short little life so I kept at it.

I guess between 9 and 10 months of age I finally put you on a nursing schedule. You were getting wiggly when we were nursing, you often times seemed un-interested and I kept getting those dang clogged ducts. It was the only solution I could come up with. Thankfully it worked great. I never denied you boob time but I only encouraged it 3 times a day, in the morning when you woke up, before your afternoon nap, and when you were going down in the evening. This has been the golden phase of nursing. After about a month of this I was able to stop pumping, thank God, and my body adjusted. I haven't had a clogged duct since and you have been nursing wonderfully during those times.

If it were completely up to me, I would just leave things as they are for a while. When I first got pregnant my goal was to nurse to one year. I contemplated giving up a few times before that mark but was very glad that I didn't. Then when a year came and everything was going so well I figured we'd go to 18 months, if you wanted to. The benefits of the anti-bodies you get from breast milk make it worth it. That plus it's going well and being cheaper than buying milk made it sound like a good plan.

My number one goal in nursing you was to provide the best possible food and nutrition I could. Part of that is doing what we need to do to get the seizures to stop. With that, we are starting you on a special diet to try to control them. It has about a 30% chance of working wonders and we owe it to you to try. So with that, as of today, I am no longer breast feeding you. And it kills me to do this. We have been reducing the sessions quickly over the last few weeks and it hasn't been easy. I keep telling myself that this is what is best for you. That we have to try everything before we do surgery and this is simply a part of that. One constellation, if there is one, is that you can have some breast milk mixed with heavy whipping cream which you seam to love. That means that I have to pump, again and I have discovered that my pump is going out. Great.

Pumping isn't fun. It's time consuming and doesn't feel good, but you are worth it. And if for some reason this diet doesn't work out mama will still have milk. So, if at that point, my precious baby boy, you would like to nurse some, it's all yours. Most people would just stay weaned after going through it once and you may not go back to it, but I want you to then you can. Know that I will always do everything I can to keep you as healthy as possible. What you need is my number 1 priority and it always will be.

So I'm sorry that I'm taking the boob away and I'm really sorry that I won't nurse you when you're all hooked up to the EEG in the hospital next week but I will always give you hugs and kisses and I'll hold you as much as you want.

Love,
Mama