Wednesday, March 30, 2011

24 months

Dear baby boy,

In a few hours you will officially be 24 months old. As I sit here typing this, I remember this time 2 years ago, timing contractions on my iphone. I had been having contraction for 5 hours and waited another 4 to go to the hospital only to be sent home because they told me I "wasn't in real labor". When the doctor told me that I wanted to punch him in the face. Not "real" labor? But I settled for waking him up at 5 am to scream at him that I need drugs NOW! Your birth will always be one of my favorite memories, it is what made us a family. You will never live down that it took 27 hours though. But it was when I knew I had done what I was always supposed to do... become a mommy.

We have been through a lot in the last 2 years. The medical stuff has added a lot of un-expected stress, but we continue to remind ourselves how lucky we are. You continue to amaze your doctors! Your neurologist thinks you are the cutest thing ever, and that is a medical opinion. He actually said at our last visit, "there is NOTHING wrong with this child" and he said it while laughing at how you were flirting will all of the females in the room.

And speaking of flirting, you are clearly a ladies man. It's really funny how you still gravitate towards the ladies. You are also the most polite little boy I have ever met. You know how and when to say "please" and "thank you" and you also blow kisses at the appropriate times too.

You of course have your opinions on things and do throw the occasional tantrum, but lets face it, you really are a toddler now. I can't deny it any longer, as much as I would like to.

But your little personality is really coming out and it is awesome! Your dad and I were talking the other day about how you are a really good mix of the two of us. I think you got the best of both of us which is more than we could have ever asked. You are hysterical and KNOW when you are funny, which makes it even funnier. You are very much a boy and you laugh when anyone burps or farts, which again is hysterical and makes us laugh which makes you laugh even more. You totally get that from your father! You can also be very stubborn and determined, which you get from me, and I hope that it actually aids you in dealing with all of the things in life that you are going to have to deal with. You have this great desire to explore and go at thing full force, but you are careful (most of the time) with things like climbing and steps and aware of what might hurt. Accept when you're around a swimming pool, then you just jump in and start swimming. You might have gotten that from me too :-)

Your vocabulary continues to grow on a daily basis and we are so glad that you have finally decided to talk! I love it when you see something and say, "WOW!" It's so cute. You also like to say, "tickle tickle tickle" when we take your socks off. People continue to tell us how cute you are. Your hair is amazing, your eyes are beautiful, and you are so friendly and sweet that everyone just falls in love with you. I kind of expect for people to fall for babies like that, but they are still falling all over you. And I have a feeling, that they will continue to and at some point I will be worried about it instead of thinking it's cute. Right now it's very cute for you to kiss all the girls at playgroup, but when you come home bragging that you kissed all the girls in kindergarten.... that might be another story.

So my dear boy, as we approach the hour of your birth, I may be a little weepy but it's only because of how much I love you. Because of how much you amaze me. Because of how perfect you are. Because of how much you have taught me and how you made us a family. Every day I am glad to be your mom. Every day is a new adventure and it's so great to watch you discover new things, even if it does start a little earlier than I think it should. To watch you learn how to communicate and to watch you interact with the world around you is what I look forward to every day. You make life so much fun little guy and I am thankful every day that I have you and that you are exactly who you are.

Happy Birthday Sweet Pea!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Something to look forward to

This week has been difficult, to say the least. But Spring has sprung (and given us a taste of what summer will be like) and we have been enjoying being outside.

In fact, last weekend we even got out on the lake for the 1st time this year. And Lake Travis is my happy place. Has been all my life. And what I love is that it also seems to be Jack's happy place.

Jack LOVES boats and the lake. A few weeks ago we were in the car and the truck next to us was towing a boat. He spotted it and got all excited. He pointed and said, "boat boat boat boat" (which sounds more like "bot") and then made motor boat noises. So cute.

This was last year on the boat.

Those of you who have known us for a while know that we like to take vacations. And we like to do vacations up right! But you also know that we can't really take Jack far from home right now because napping in the car is almost ALWAYS a seizure trigger. It's one of those things that we hope will change with time, but we don't expect it to be anytime soon. I'm guessing we are just going to have to wait until he doesn't need naps anymore, but only time will tell. You can't imagine what we go through to make sure he doesn't sleep in the car. Our whole day revolves around it. It can be frustrating at times but just one of those things you do as a parent. Sometimes, what is best for your child comes above everything else and having the least amount of seizures possible is what we have to do. I'll take being stuck in Austin (not a bad place to be stuck by the way) over causing my child further brain damage. (And we totally appreciate those of you who come to see us because of this!) Thankfully, my mom came up with a way for us to have a vacation that (I think) will work for Jack. And we can't wait!

We will be staying on a house boat on lake Travis for a week. This house boat!

My brother and his family will be coming too so Jack will get to play with his cousins. He LOVES Grace and is twice as big as her even though she's 13 months older.

But the two are very cute together and seem to enjoy each others company.

So, sleeping arrangements are going to be interesting. It's a very large house boat, but we're also going to have 6 adults and 3 children there. But then again Jack has been sleeping great (at night) when we've been away the last 2 times. (I promise an updated post about all of that before too long). I am hoping that we can actually get him to nap in a bed because I think that will be better for him, but it's one of those things that we will play by ear and do what we need to do. So the plan is that if he has seizures, we can simply bring him home to sleep at night and then head back out in the morning, because it would only be about a 20 min drive. It's a brilliant plan really. Plus we have a full kitchen for all of his food and meals. I actually don't know how we would get on a plane with keto anyways. It's just too much to deal with.

So YAY! I can't wait! Not to mention the hot tub on the top deck and the slide off the back of the boat.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

just to get this post over with

We went on Friday for our 12 week appointment and NT scan on #2. Turns out baby's heart stopped around 8 weeks and I haven't naturally miscarried.

In fact, I haven't had any signs of a miscarriage. I still feel VERY pregnant, which really suck because I've been "pregnant" for a month now with a baby without a heart beat.

After our 1st ultrasound I was slightly worried because I KNEW our dates were right and baby was measuring 5 days behind. But the doc said everything was fine and that because we saw a strong heart beat there was only about a 2% chance of having a miscarriage, so I didn't worry. Plus the ultra sound even says "+/- 5 days". He also told me that I was approaching the week where symptoms are the worst and that they should ease up a bit after my 7th week, so about 1/2 way through my 8th week when the nausea let up just a tad, I did wonder if something was going on but the doc said that it would happen. I almost called and asked for a sono then, but I knew they would have thought I was crazy.

Other than those things though, I'm still exhausted, still have to take nausea meds once or twice a day, still puke on occasion, have to take tums at night for heart burn, still gag on my toothbrush, and still have to get up 3x a night to pee. Knowing that I've been going through this for a month for no purpose, really suck.

I was finally starting to get excited about having another baby. I was so ready to be out of my 1st trimester, which if you go by my original dates, I am. I was starting to show a little because even though the baby stopped growing, the sac continued to grow. My body still clearly thinks that I'm still pregnant.

The nurse said that it was probably a chromosomal abnormality of some kind, T16 being the most common. And God knows that I don't need another special needs child, but that doesn't mean that I would love a special needs child any less or send her back. Either way, it just sucks. Before all of this our little family of 3 was perfect. Then we had a surprise, adjusted to it, and have now lost it and it just feels like our family is incomplete. Someone is clearly missing. That doesn't mean I want to try again right away or even anytime soon because the thought of being in my 1st trimester for 6 months out of a year makes me want to throw something.

Given that we were at the office on a Friday afternoon, they couldn't get me in for a D&C until Monday morning. The nurse said we could wait and let my body take care of it on it's own but because of how far along I was it would be a very painful and long process. And my body has had a month to do something on it's own and it hasn't, so we scheduled the procedure. The only good thing about it is that my doctor will be back in town and there to do it and at least it will be over with.

I really just want Monday to be over with.

I'm upset of course, I don't want to talk to anyone, and I go back and forth between being okay and being in tears. I just want Monday to be over with.