just to get this post over with

We went on Friday for our 12 week appointment and NT scan on #2. Turns out baby's heart stopped around 8 weeks and I haven't naturally miscarried.

In fact, I haven't had any signs of a miscarriage. I still feel VERY pregnant, which really suck because I've been "pregnant" for a month now with a baby without a heart beat.

After our 1st ultrasound I was slightly worried because I KNEW our dates were right and baby was measuring 5 days behind. But the doc said everything was fine and that because we saw a strong heart beat there was only about a 2% chance of having a miscarriage, so I didn't worry. Plus the ultra sound even says "+/- 5 days". He also told me that I was approaching the week where symptoms are the worst and that they should ease up a bit after my 7th week, so about 1/2 way through my 8th week when the nausea let up just a tad, I did wonder if something was going on but the doc said that it would happen. I almost called and asked for a sono then, but I knew they would have thought I was crazy.

Other than those things though, I'm still exhausted, still have to take nausea meds once or twice a day, still puke on occasion, have to take tums at night for heart burn, still gag on my toothbrush, and still have to get up 3x a night to pee. Knowing that I've been going through this for a month for no purpose, really suck.

I was finally starting to get excited about having another baby. I was so ready to be out of my 1st trimester, which if you go by my original dates, I am. I was starting to show a little because even though the baby stopped growing, the sac continued to grow. My body still clearly thinks that I'm still pregnant.

The nurse said that it was probably a chromosomal abnormality of some kind, T16 being the most common. And God knows that I don't need another special needs child, but that doesn't mean that I would love a special needs child any less or send her back. Either way, it just sucks. Before all of this our little family of 3 was perfect. Then we had a surprise, adjusted to it, and have now lost it and it just feels like our family is incomplete. Someone is clearly missing. That doesn't mean I want to try again right away or even anytime soon because the thought of being in my 1st trimester for 6 months out of a year makes me want to throw something.

Given that we were at the office on a Friday afternoon, they couldn't get me in for a D&C until Monday morning. The nurse said we could wait and let my body take care of it on it's own but because of how far along I was it would be a very painful and long process. And my body has had a month to do something on it's own and it hasn't, so we scheduled the procedure. The only good thing about it is that my doctor will be back in town and there to do it and at least it will be over with.

I really just want Monday to be over with.

I'm upset of course, I don't want to talk to anyone, and I go back and forth between being okay and being in tears. I just want Monday to be over with.