A Love Story

I came up with a few titles for this post, most were funny about boobs, but I think this is more appropriate. Because everything I've put my boobs through for this kid, is out of nothing less than love.

So lets do a "quick" re-cap.

• At birth I was more concerned about breast feeding than I was about labor and delivery. I knew that I would not be leaving that hospital still pregnant, but there was no guarantee that I would be nursing him. I did leave that hospital still nursing, but I also left it with a lot of cracking and bleeding. That wasn't nice! It was super painful but I powered through and after about 2 weeks they healed up.
• It took months for nursing to not be painful. I'm guessing because Jack is tongue tied, but I will never really know.
• Then we had the pull off and scream phase. You can read the full story here. But basically we never found an answer to why he would seem to be feeding fine and then 5 min in pull off and start screaming. Both of us were in tears on a very regular basis.

awwwww, look how tiny and sweet my milk baby was.

So let me stop there for just a moment and talk about my stubbornness. When I was in 8th grade I was in the 2nd band. I loved the director and had a great experience and was really looking forward to high school band. As I was preparing for the audition to see what band they would put me in, I was told by my director that I would make the 2nd band in high school. There were 3. For some reason, I was offended by that and dug my heals in and insisted that I would make the top band. Well, I was one of 3 from middle school who made the top band out of at least 50. So yeah, I've always had a stubborn streak a mile long. When I put my mind to things, I make them happen, and breast feeding was one of those things I put my mind too.

• After the screaming thing finally subsided, after talking to 3 different lactation consultants who were all no help and it took several months, was when Jack was put on steroids. He nursed every 2 hours around the clock for about 10 weeks. I had a mattress on the floor of his room and we slept there most of the night together. He wouldn't sleep in our bed with us because he thought it was playtime when he was in there. It was brutal. Of course he did that as a newborn, but only for the first 3 weeks and Jonathan was home the whole time with me so that I could nap during the day. But on the steroids he wasn't napping well at all because of the drugs and we were also trapped in the house because they weakened his immune system. It was brutal, but we got through it.
• After he finally slowed down and started solid food around the same time, I had a lot of issues. I stopped counting at 15 clogged ducts. They are extremely painful! After the first few though, I got really good at getting rid of those suckers. I could have one gone within 24 hours. Now nursing while you have one of those is like walking on a broken leg. I also got mastitis twice. I pumped a lot to try to prevent the clogs, but even pumping 3x a day wasn't enough. And pumping is not fun! Especially when you have an infant to take care of.
• So when he was about 9 months old he started getting really distracted while nursing. It's a very normal thing but he would only nurse if we were in the chair in his room. I finally decided, for both our sakes, to put him on a nursing schedule. Up to that point it was simply whenever he wanted, but he was getting to the point that he would act like he wanted it but then only nurse until letdown. Plus I had hopes that a nursing schedule would help with the clogged ducts. I think eventually it did, it just took a very long time.
• This is when nursing got good. It was easy, predictable, didn't hurt (accept with I had a clog) and it was time for my baby and I to snuggle and connect. Not that we didn't have that before, but it was much easier for me to enjoy it without all the issues.
• We had 5 good months because at 14 months we had to wean him for the ketogenic diet. I didn't want to, and I almost didn't start him on the diet because of it, but our compromise was that I could still give him breast milk but it had to be weighed out and mixed with heavy whipping cream.
• So I began to pump again. The weaning was super tough. More on me than him I think because to hear your baby scream bloody murder in the middle of the night and know that you can fix it in a heart beat but not go in was awful. With every feeding we cut out, I pumped and froze milk. He was nursing 3x a day so that is how many I was pumping and I did that until I simply wasn't getting much at the nap time pumping. Then I continued to pump in the morning and evening until I was only getting drops.

My one regret in the whole thing was how we weaned and weaning so early. While 14 months may seem late to some, in the big picture it's quite early. The world wide average age for weaning is 4 years. Yes, you read that right, 4 years old. While I certainly don't want to nurse a 4 year old, I would still nurse Jack in the morning and evening if he could nurse. (Don't ask me why this paragraph is smaller. I tried to edit it but it won't change. Whatever. The last one is like this too, it has no significance to what is written!)

There is all kinds of research proving that nursing beyond a year is a very healthy thing. There is research that suggests that children that are breast fed longer results in bigger brains, here. And here is a list of a few benefits that I found at www.kellymom.com
- The American Academy of Family Physicians notes that children weaned before two years of age are at increased risk of illness (AAFP 2001).
- Nursing toddlers between the ages of 16 and 30 months have been found to have fewer illnesses and illnesses of shorter duration than their non-nursing peers (Gulick 1986).
- Per the World Health Organization, "a modest increase in breastfeeding rates could prevent up to 10% of all deaths of children under five: Breastfeeding plays an essential and sometimes underestimated role in the treatment and prevention of childhood illness." [emphasis added]

Now, I am not at all knocking people who stop breastfeeding before the child is 2. I'm not even knocking people who stop breastfeeding super early. Even if babies only nurse for the first week, they get colostrum which is a huge help to the immune system and can help them for up to 6 months! I worked for a mom who came home at lunch to nurse her baby, pumped at work, and had to start substituting formula at about 6 months. She felt bad about it, but 6 months even is great. Pumping is hard, I did it A LOT!!! But it's wonderful to be able to provide your baby with milk, even if you can't be there. It's a huge gift. One they will likely never really appreciate too.

Breastfeeding, much like any parenting decision, is something that has to be worked out within the family. And the opinion of anyone living outside that household should have nothing to do with it, much like most parenting decisions. And I found that a lot of people had some very strong opinions about my boobs in relation to my baby and thought that it was gross or inappropriate or whatever that I was nursing a 14 months. When he was only 9 months people started asking me when we were going to wean and honestly I was a bit stunned by that. So I'm going to say it now, if and whenever I have another, I am letting him or her self wean! There, now there is no need to ask when I'm weaning. Jack cut back on his own and I'm sure would have self weaned or be very close to it by about now. All of the articles and studies say to go as long as it works for both mother and child.

- The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that "Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child... Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother... There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer." (AAP 2005)

There is no harm to the child, and it actually has developmental benefits.

And here is one more article about the benefits.

Ok, enough about the benefits, lets get back to the story.

• After the weaning and the pumping I had saved enough milk for 7 months. Woo Hoo! That's a lot of milk, I think somewhere between 500-600 ounces.
• Then came the weighing and mixing, the calculating and finding a cup that he could get every drop, or as close to it as possible, out of without spilling it everywhere.

Now he has finished all the milk and is off it completely. It's bitter sweet to me because I'm so proud of myself for sticking to it in the beginning, for pumping as much as I did and making it last so long, and at the same time it's like the end of his babyhood. A few weeks ago I started leaking milk (just another crappy reminder that I was pregnant and am not anymore) and I thought about pulling out the pump to see if I could get anything for him. I didn't, just because I probably wouldn't have gotten enough to amount to anything and I didn’t need another constant reminder of the baby I lost, but it was tempting.

So, a chapter is closed. Overall, I feel good about it. I know that I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve got several posts brewing in my head so hopefully I’ll be able to get them out soon. Jonathan is currently in the Phillipeans for work so Jack and I are batchin’ it. I have a friend who has been a huge help so that I can at least go to the farmers market and get Jack’s food done. My next post will hopefully be about ECI(early childhood intervention) and the neuropsychologist that we saw.

Dear Jack,

For almost two years now my body has kept you going. From the time you were just a few cells right on into toddler-hood, you have been a little leach living on me, and I say that in an enduring way. Let me tell you kid, pregnancy was hard. Some people love it and I am not one of those people. But the moment I saw you, you were worth it.

Then came the breast feeding, which has had it's up's and down's. Honestly, I was more worried about the breast feeding then I was about giving birth. I knew that I was leaving with a baby, one way or the other. I didn't know how exactly I was going to feed that baby.

One thing that you will come to know about me as you get older, is that I'm stubborn. I'm sure that will frustrate you at time, as it does me too, but that stubbornness got us through the rough patches of breast feeding. First there was the pain. "They" say that is only lasts a few days. Well, "they" were wrong. For me it lasted at least 6 weeks. Every time you would latch on I would hold my breath and cringe. I'm sure some of that had to do with the fact that you were slightly tongue tied and therefore I was bleeding, but still, it hurt.

Next came the phase where you had some strange issue. You would eat for a minute, then scream bloody murder. It lasted a good 3 months and was so upsetting to both of us. I just wanted to be able to feed my hungry baby and you my little love, just wanted to eat. To this day I still don't know what the heck was going on but eventually you outgrew it.

Then all hell broke loose and you stared having seizures and were put on steroids. At that point you started nursing every 2 hours around the clock. It was worse than having a newborn. When you have a newborn you expect that to last 2-4 weeks. It's brutal and painful but you spend the majority of the time snuggled in bed with a brand new little human to love and stare at. Those 2.5 months were filled with terror and worry and were some of my hardest times as a parent so far. The lack of sleep only magnified those feelings but through it all the two of us had that time together and when I was nursing you, everything was okay.

After you were off the steroids came the task of my body having to adjust to less of a demand for milk. Over the next few months I had 2 rounds of mastitis and over 15 clogged ducts. I also pumped enough milk to donate over 300 oz to the milk bank for other babies. I became a pro at unclogging the pipes. During this phase I considered cutting you off. I was always in pain, always attached to a pump, and just worn down by everything. But it was flu season and you had been through enough already in your short little life so I kept at it.

I guess between 9 and 10 months of age I finally put you on a nursing schedule. You were getting wiggly when we were nursing, you often times seemed un-interested and I kept getting those dang clogged ducts. It was the only solution I could come up with. Thankfully it worked great. I never denied you boob time but I only encouraged it 3 times a day, in the morning when you woke up, before your afternoon nap, and when you were going down in the evening. This has been the golden phase of nursing. After about a month of this I was able to stop pumping, thank God, and my body adjusted. I haven't had a clogged duct since and you have been nursing wonderfully during those times.

If it were completely up to me, I would just leave things as they are for a while. When I first got pregnant my goal was to nurse to one year. I contemplated giving up a few times before that mark but was very glad that I didn't. Then when a year came and everything was going so well I figured we'd go to 18 months, if you wanted to. The benefits of the anti-bodies you get from breast milk make it worth it. That plus it's going well and being cheaper than buying milk made it sound like a good plan.

My number one goal in nursing you was to provide the best possible food and nutrition I could. Part of that is doing what we need to do to get the seizures to stop. With that, we are starting you on a special diet to try to control them. It has about a 30% chance of working wonders and we owe it to you to try. So with that, as of today, I am no longer breast feeding you. And it kills me to do this. We have been reducing the sessions quickly over the last few weeks and it hasn't been easy. I keep telling myself that this is what is best for you. That we have to try everything before we do surgery and this is simply a part of that. One constellation, if there is one, is that you can have some breast milk mixed with heavy whipping cream which you seam to love. That means that I have to pump, again and I have discovered that my pump is going out. Great.

Pumping isn't fun. It's time consuming and doesn't feel good, but you are worth it. And if for some reason this diet doesn't work out mama will still have milk. So, if at that point, my precious baby boy, you would like to nurse some, it's all yours. Most people would just stay weaned after going through it once and you may not go back to it, but I want you to then you can. Know that I will always do everything I can to keep you as healthy as possible. What you need is my number 1 priority and it always will be.

So I'm sorry that I'm taking the boob away and I'm really sorry that I won't nurse you when you're all hooked up to the EEG in the hospital next week but I will always give you hugs and kisses and I'll hold you as much as you want.

Love,
Mama

A crazy week

This week has been awful.

It started last Thursday morning. I woke up with my right boob really hurting. I stumbled into Jack's room and fed him, boob still really hurt. After putting him back to bed I discovered a blister on my nipple that was filled with milk. Yes, apparently nursing mom's can get milk blisters. Thank God for google because I didn't know what the crap was going on and I kind of freaked out a little. I also had a clogged duct. So I spent several days shoving a heating thing down my shirt, massaging my broken boob, and taking super hot showers to get the thing unclogged.

Friday Jack had his dr's appt and got his shots but we didn't see his regular doctor. I asked the pedi what anti-biotics I could take while breast feeding just in case it turned into mastitis and I needed something, that way Shawn (my brother) could call something in for me over the weekend. She told me that any of them were fine, which I knew was a load of crap. She said a few other things that rubbed me the wrong way too, we won't be seeing her again.

I was really weak all weekend. I could barley pick Jack up and if anything would touch the right side of my body I would cringe in pain. Well, a week later and all of that is still the same.

I had an appointment with the nurse practitioner at the OB's office for my yearly on Tuesday so I mentioned everything to her. She couldn't find a clogged duct, so at some point I had managed to get it unclogged. But they why was I still in so much pain? Oh, did I mention that I had some cracking and bleeding after the blister was gone? That really helped with the pain issue. Anyways, she thought it was mastitis even though I didn't have the fever. I had enough of the other symptoms and my breast was a bit red too.

So here I am, more that 48 hours on anti-biotics and pro-biotics and still in massive amounts of pain. Jack has had a low grade fever all week and he's been waking up at night from either gas or the fever or both. Last night was the first night he slept through. And he's been cranky and wanting to be held all the time. Poor baby. He has no other symptoms of anything going on, no congestion, no runny or stuffy nose, nothing. So I'm thinking teeth. Oh yeah, and he won't nap for more than 20 min during the day so by about 3:00 he's super cranky.

Now I don't know what is going on with me. Maybe yeast? Jack doesn't have thrush in his mouth, I keep checking but he's clear. I went to get the purple over-the-counter stuff to help with yeast and CVS sent me to People's and People's had to order it. Or maybe it's still mastitis and it will just take a while for the pain to go away. The nurse can see me again tomorrow afternoon but I don't know what good that's going to do. I guess I'll give it until Monday.

It's times like these that make me really want to stop breastfeeding. Every time he latches on it takes everything I have not to yelp and scream. One time I did it involuntarily and it scared Jack and he cried, it wasn't good. And he's so distracted while eating these days that he's constantly un-latching and looking around and then latching back on, which is awful.

Ok, I'm done with the rambling. So that's what life has been like this week. I'm hoping next week is better.

Newest Breastfeeding issue

(Originally posted July 19th, 2009)

Over the last month breastfeeding has been going really well and for the first time I'm actually enjoying it. It's a tough thing to stick with when it's so stressful. I never expected all the emotions that go along with it. I never expected to feel so inadequate when things were going so poorly and I couldn't figure them out. I think not being about to figure out what was going on was the most frustrating part.

This time, I know what's going on! Lately Jack has become quite the chatter box. He'll be eating great and stop to just babble, smile, and coo at me. I have to admit that it's really cute but it also makes his feedings take twice as long. He's very easily distracted now too. If someone new comes in or someone tries to have a conversation with me he has to put in his input too.

The good news is that I know that this is a normal part of development and that it will pass. In the mean time I'm trying to keep feeding as boring as possible, but I don't really think it's working.

update

(originally posted May 26th, 2009)

We had a doctor watch us breast feed and talked with 2 lactation consultants and everyone thinks the problem is reflux.

The good news is that their digestive systems eventually mature so it's only a temporary problem. It's also great that he's gaining weight and we have plenty of milk. We put him on some medicine and it seems to be helping. Now instead of having 1 or 2 good feedings a day we have 1 or 2 fussy feeding a day. We're going to give it a few weeks and then try stopping it and see if there is a difference. I hate putting him on meds but the other option was to stop breastfeeding and I'm not one to give up on things. This is where I can use my stubbornness for good.

On Breastfeeding

(Originally posted May 20th, 2009)

I had hoped to have this figured out by now but after 7 weeks we're still having issues. From about week 3 to week 4 it was going great, now not so much.

He latches on just fine and eats for about 5 minutes. After that it all goes down hill. He pulls off and screams. I burp him and try to put him back on but the remainder of the feeding is generally a battle. And we've tried everything. I talked to a lactation consultant who told me to try pumping a little before I feed because maybe he's getting too much too fast. Now we have a freezer full of milk and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'm still doing it simply so that he gets more of the hind milk. The milk they get first is more sugary and satisfies hunger, the back milk has all the good fats for brain development and it keeps them full longer.

Not every feeding is so difficult but I can't figure out what makes the good ones good and the fussy ones fussy. I'm writing everything down but I have yet to see any kind of pattern. Either way he's always coming un-latched.

I could go on and on about everything we've tried. Lets just say we're both frustrated.

He has a little bit of a rash on his face so we went to the doctor today thinking maybe that was causing pain. His doc wasn't in so we saw someone else and she thinks it's reflux. His doc is going to call me tomorrow but the one we saw today suspects he'll give us a prescription. I don't want to put him on medicine but I'm willing to try it to see if that's what's going on.

I'm going to call the lactation consultant Again and see if she can observe us. I only hope that he has a fussy feeding so she can see what it's like.

I'm also holding out for him to hit 8 weeks. Maybe when all these crazy growth spurts are over he'll calm down. I hear lots of people say that around 8 weeks it gets easier.

I just feel so bad for him. Clearly something hurts, he's still hungry but all he does is scream. Poor baby. I'm also a bit worried about my supply. If he only nurses for 5 minutes every 3 hours then we're going to eventually have a supply issue.

The one good thing is that his weight gain is fine. He's gained 34 oz in 36 days which is right on track. He's dropped from the 75% to the 50% for weight but he's still just right.

I'm just praying that we get this figured out before both of us pull our hair out.